A Bad Day at the White House - Satire....

This morning the current President went on one of his usual rants on Twitter. One of his rants stated that his arch-enemy (my word there), Bob Mueller has a team of 'hardened Democrats'. As always his rants pissed me off, but that's his tactic anyway - get his base riled and get his 'enemies' talking about him to distract from other issues that are bothering him.

Hardened Democrats??

Anyway, his words 'hardened Democrats' got me wondering what they might look like. Maybe those guys above? Would they be a threat? Then when I went out with the dogs for their noon time walk, it came to me....

These are the real 'hardened Democrats'

Yup, these are the perfect 'hardened Democrats'. The Democratic party should run a few of these guys in the 2018 mid-terms.

(NB. The pictures above are not original creations... of course you already knew that. Thanks to S.N.L. and The Matrix for the inspiration)

So, to continue with my thoughts. As I was walking the dogs this morning at 0530 and then later when I went for a run... I'm still sore by the way , if you're interested... I had this silly idea for a bit of a satire on a bad day at the White House. I don't profess to be any sort of a writer and even though I thought this was funny, as my lovely wife would tell me, I'm usually the only one that does.

But not to be deterred, taking a break from my normal thoughts on books and such, a bit of satire..

(Caveat - Any use of photos or such that I might use is done without asking any permission. I'll remove if asked.) So here goes.

A Bad Day at the White House

Scene: The White House Briefing Room
Cast: the normal cast of characters ... the Fake News, Sarah Huckabee Sanders and for a surprising change, President 45.

President The Donald stands at the podium expounding about his really really terrific new policy

"This will be a really really terrific new policy. Believe me. Are the cameras rolling? Probably not. Darn fake news."

Chuckles are heard from the assembled Fake news, building to guffaws and outright laughter.

The Prez is surprised... confused... angry. How dare they laugh at him! He turns to Sanders and demands she tell them to shut up and listen.

Sanders - "Um! You might want to look down, sir."

Yup, the Prez has no clothes!

Donald screams - "Nooooooo!" and wakes up in bed, tangled in his sheets, sweaty, a half eaten burger on the opposite pillow.

He pants and shouts "The walls, the walls... they are closing in on me! I need a distraction."

He reaches over to his night stand and hits the red button on top of the stand. "Launch the missiles! Launch them!"

The door opens and a Secret Service agent enters an places a diet soda on the bedside table.

"What's that?", he demands. "I pushed the red button. The missiles should be launching!"

The agent sighs, pushes his sunglasses back on nose. "We've talked about this sir. General Mattis has told you that you can't launch the missiles without his say so.  This is your Diet Soda button" The agent leaves and gently closes the bedroom door.

"Darn Mattis," mutters Donald. "I'm adding him to my needs-to-be fired list. If he wasn't just so scary."

Donald grabs his cell phone. "I need to talk to Hope." He dials, the other phone rings and is answered.

"Hopey,, Hopey?? It's Don. I need to talk. They're all after me," he cries.

"Sorry, Mr. President. Hope Hicks isn't available. You know that . She has filed a writ of no contact. Every time you call her, you have to pay $1,000,000. You're up to $20 million now"

"Who is this?" Donald asks querulously.

"As you well know, sir. It's Bob Mueller. Ms. Hicks has given her phone to me so you won't bother her anymore."

A woman's voice is heard in the background.

"Who are you talking to Bob? Is it Bone Spurs?"

"Now, dear, what have I said about that," says Bob. "Good night, Mr. President." As Mueller hangs up, chuckling and uproarious laughter is heard.

Scene 2: White House kitchen. 0900 hours, AKA Executive Time. Donald is eating his morning burger and diet soda and flicking his remote control.

He shouts at one of the kitchen staff. "Get me John Kelly!! Now!!"

Chief of Staff Kelly peaks in the kitchen door. "You shouted, sir?"

"Where is Fox News??? I want to watch Fox and Friends so I can have something to tweet during my
Executive Time!"

Kelly sighs, wondering how he let himself be talked into this shitty job. "Sir, as you well know. Fox has been bought by CNN and now broadcasts only in Russia."

In the background a news broadcaster on MSNBC can be heard, "Stormy Daniels' interview on CBS 60 Minutes was the highest rated show this year, way more than any episode of The Apprentice."

Kelly leaves. Donald grabs his cell phone, turns on Twitter.
"I did not know Stormy Daniels. I did not now Stormy Daniels. I did not know Stormy Daniels.
There I said it three times. It must be true! FAKE NEWS..."

Scene 3: A small briefing room near the Oval Office. Donald sits at a small desk holding a pen.

"Hey, Mike. Bring me that important bill that you want me to sign. What's it about again?"
"Sir, it's the one about the opioid crisis. The one where it looks like we really care." the vice president whispers to the President.
"Oh yes, that one." Donald reaches for the document, takes out his pen.. looks at the assembled Press and as cameras click, signs the document.

DavidDennison

Pence picks up the document, looks at the signature... sighs and leaves the room. Donald watches him leave in surprise.

Scene 4: Back in the kitchen, Donald, AKA Cadet Bone Spurs or David Dennison, etc.. glumly watches Deadline: White House, cursing as a litany of charges and new scandals are discussed by the panel of ex-Republicans. Donald fumes.

"I need another distraction." Donald picks up a White House phone and tells the operator to get him Elizabeth May.

"Are you sure, Mr. President?" asks the operator.
"Of course, I'm sure," demands Donald. "I'm the President you know. If I want to call someone, that's who I want."

A phone rings and is picked up. "Good afternoon. You've reached the office of Elizabeth May, leader of Canada's Green Party. We're here to save the environment. Who is this?" (Note: as a proud Canadian, I have to make one Canadian reference)

Donald gulps, mutters... "Dennison, David Dennison. Sorry wrong number."

He calls his operator again. "I meant the May who is President of England!"

"You mean Theresa May, sir and that's Prime Minister. I'll get her on the line."

A phone rings and is answered. "Yes, Donald, what do you want this time" asks a tired sounding Prime Minister of Great Britain. "We're very busy here, problems with the Russians in case you're interested."

"You think you've got problems!!!" whines Donald. "We've got problems here too. Haven't you heard of HD13!"

"What is that, Donald," sighs the Prime Minister. "Another drug cartel?"

"No, even worse. It's Mueller and his 13 Hardened Democrats!" shouts Donald. "I need to get away. Can't I come to visit? Won't the Queen let me drive in her chariot?? I need some good press"

"Well, now that you mention it," says Teresa. "The Queen was talking to me the other day and she said you could visit. She won't let you drive in her coach, but she has another property she'd like to show you."

"Tell me, tell me," begs Donald.

"Well, it's a Tower. Not a Trump Tower mind you. It's the Tower of London. We do still use it sometime and she'd like to show you where some other important people had their heads removed."

"Bye, bye, Teresa. Maybe next time." Donald hangs up quickly.

He shouts down the corridor at Kelly office. "Hey, Kelly, get me Elaine Chao."

His phone rings. Donald picks it up. "Chao? Is that you? This is Donald."

"Yes, Mr. President. What can I do for you?" asks his Secretary of Transportation.

"Elaine? I've got to get the Fake News talking about something else. There is too much about the collusion and you know there wasn't any collusion!! And this Stormy Daniels thing too. She's lying, I tell you. Anyway. We need to get something else on the news."

"Yes, Mr. President? Maybe something about building that rail link between New York and New Jersey? That would really give a positive spin."

"No, no! Not that. I'm not helping Crazy Shumer!! No, I want to put out a new policy to deal with a threat to the environment!" explains Donald.

"Mr. President. We've told you this before. I only cover transportation You need to talk to Scott Pruitt about the Environment." Chao sighs and hangs up.

Donald shouts down the hall at Kelly again. "Hey, Kelly. Get me Scott Pruitt." Expletives are heard in the background as the kitchen door swings shut.

Donald's phone rings.

"Hello, Mr. President. Scott Pruitt here. What can I do for you?"

"Hey Greg. I've got a great idea for a new policy that'll really get some good press. It's about a really bad problem to the environment that we can sort out."

At the other end of the line, Pruitt rubs his temples. "Yes, Mr President? And what would that be?"

"I saw a news feature on Fox the other day. We're under attack by flying sharks!! They called it a Sharknado! I hate sharks!! If we can solve this, the whole world will thank us. We can join that Paris agreement again!! Get right on it, ok, Greg!"

Pruitt sighs... "Sir, that wasn't a news feature. It was a mov... ah, what the hell. Yes, Mr. President, I'll get right on it." As he hangs up, Donald thinks he hears something at the other end of the line.... 'Effing moron..."

Scene 5 - Still in the kitchen.... Donald picks up his phone, turns on Twitter..

"What the hell! Where is my Twitter!!" Donald shouts for Kelly.

The kitchen door opens and Melania walks in. She leans against the wall and looks down at her husband.

"Where is Kelly!!! My Twitter account isn't there!!" shouts Donald.

Melania smiles and shrugs. "But Donald. This is part of my anti-cyber bullying campaign. I've got Twitter to turn off all of the accounts of bullies. Yours was the first to go. Good night, Donald."

Melania laughs and leaves the kitchen. Uproarious laughter heard outside the kitchen....

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Donald collapses in a heap.


THE END

Thank you for letting me get this out of my system. :0)